Thursday, October 30, 2008

A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO HAVING AN AFFAIR (FOR WOMEN ONLY)

1. Beware the itemized telephone bill, and the number most dialled on your phone.
2. Don't suddenly abandon knickers with questionable elastic for more stimulating smalls.
3. Don't hide your spermicide in your toothpaste tube. You are sure to forget and end up with fluoride in your fallopian tubes, not to mention tooth decay.
4. Take up an evening exercise class, something energetic which definitely involves showering.
5. Choose a hobby with no obvious end product. A year of African craft with no woven baskets at the end of it could be a bit of a give-away.
6. Best not leave your lover's semen-stained pouch (two sizes bigger than your partner's) in your swimming bag... because yes, the dog is sure to sniff it out and bound into the sitting room with it clenched between its teeth.
7. If this does happen, pretend you are a cross-dresser.
8. 'Slut','whore',- remember that these are words used to describe a woman who has the sexual appetites of a man.
9. When feeling cheap and nasty, remind yourself that without infidelity, literature and opera would be up shit creek.
10. Don't appear happier than usual. Nothing gives away an affair faster than frequent smiling for no ostensible reason.
11. Don't indulge in late night whispered conversations on the phone. Can be just abit embarrassing when you get caught saying "I need your hot rod, you wild sex king, you", when you said you were just off to phone your dad.
12. Cover your tracks with thoroughness. Nothing worse than driving along with your significant other and suddenly noticing your lover's upside-down footprints on the car window.
13. Be careful not to call out the wrong name during love-making. Recurrent coital amnesia has blown the whistle on many an illicit love affair.
14. Plan your liaisons with military precision and don't change your behavoiur in any way as this will lead to suspicion.
And, most important of all,
15. Don't be 5 hours late coming home with no alibi.
16. Never tell your girlfriends. Women can't keep secrets. A secret to them is something they tell everyone not to tell anyone.
17. Always lie.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH MEN

It's commonly known that guys are wired differently from women. They speak the language of action and logic, while women are driven by their emotions and feelings, and this can cause all sorts of misunderstandings. But the more you understand where he is coming from, the easier it will be for you to talk to him... and save yourself some major migraines.

If you ask a woman what's up when she is silent and she mumbles back "nothing", she rarely means nothing. In fact, most of the time, it translates as "I'm mad at you, silly. Figure it out!" But while the language of females is layered and ambiguous, men just aren't that complicated. So when he answers "nothing" when you ask :Honey, what are you thinking about?" you can rst assured that he means that - Nothing. Not a thought blipping accross the brain. Or when you have a fight and later ask if he's really sure everything's ok after he has already said, "Yeah, I'm fine", there isn't some secret code that you need to decipher. He is over it. Guys like to put their card on the table, make their point, and move on. So stop trying to analyse his every response and just take them at face value.

And if trying to converse with a guy leaves you feeling more like you're conducting an interview than having a verbal volley, it doesn't mean he is less interested in you than you are in him. It's just another exampke of innate communication chasm between the sexes. Wome ask questions almost 3 times more than men do in conversations, but that's because women ask questions to encourage the other person to talk or to bond, where as men tend to make inquiries on a need-to-know basis. One reason men don't ask questions in intimate situations is because it might lead to an indepth dialogue about feelings - not exactly their favorite subject. But more than that, men are socialised to take action, not to sit around waste time talking. And if they did chat, they might fear they couldn't get a word in edgewise. So they keep their queries to a minimum to avoid being on the receiving end of a blab-athon.

One way to get him talking is to find a new way to talk to each other that breaks the familiar 'She asks, he answers' mold. Saying something like "I need to ask you something. I could really use your input" will not only pique his interest, it will make him feel important. Letting him think he is helping you and not just acting as your personal sounding board is a surefire tactic to get him talking. And make sure you take pauses, so he will feel comfortable offering his opinion.

In a scenario where a guy gets into trouble, he may try to morph into Chris Rock. They believe its a masculine rule to always be in control, hence using humour to diffuse a situation can be a great relief. The use of humour often helps.

As far as confrontation is concerned, men don't mind it, as long as its from other men. But going head-to-head with a woman is about as appealing as having a prostate exam. Men fear confrontation in a relationship. It makes them feel like they are losing power. They also know that when it comes to discussing an 'issue', you have the stamina of a marathon runner on steroids. That's why they try to exit an argument ASAP, while a woman will hash it out for hours.

So when dealing with a man, first plan your strategy, and make sure you talk to him when you're calm and collected, not emotional. Try to be very logical about it, and keep it short and sweet. If afterward he does a little victory dance and bumps your chest with his, please forgive him. That's how guys communicate happiness.