Lately, we have been dealing with a language so far removed from the adopted language of English that I think we ought to introduce the language police, if only for preservation of the language.
We used to have the language police at the school I went to, and I believe many people many people are familiar withit. Back then, it was a crime to use your mothertongue. One had to use the Queen's language.
Ugandans claim to speak English. It sounds like English, most of the time it is, but there are those irritating questions that grate on a person's nerves.
AS YOU ARE SO LOST?
A person may know where you live and work, recite your phone number backwards, as well as know your e-mail address, but he/she never makes a point of getting in touch with you. Then one day, you go out of your way to pay a courtesy call, and then its them doing the complaining. People only attempt to stay in touch if they find something interesting about your company. If you find yourself on the lonely road of no phone calls and visits, its probably because you have turned into a stiff bore.
You're joking, right? I work for over 15 hours a day, daily, just so that when I get my salary, I give it away - for free? Seriously? If you want to get money for free, take a baby, sit by the Kampala roadside and beg for it.
HOW IS YOU?
Eeeuw! That's not even funny anymore (Was it ever?)
Then there are those questions we all hate to hear:
WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?
People think its against the law to be 30yrs and single. If they would concentrate on bonding with their mothers-in-law and keeping their marriages together, they would realise that being single isn't exactly the worst thing in the world.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I would understand a husband on a clandestine mission desperate to ascertain his wife's position when he is with company and doesnt want to run into her, but seriously. Do people really call to ask this?
WE WILL TALK!
About what? We hardly ever have much to talk about anyway.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS?
I hate that question because its a typucal catch - 22 situation. If you say yes, you are doomed. If you opt for No! You are immediately labelled a liar. Either way, you are screwed.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH ALL YOUR MONEY?
Ever been in a situation where you desperately need shs.1000 ans someone slaps you with that question? Why does everyone make it their business to decide how my money is being invested?
Strangers are at pains to understand why I own a hi-fi that doesn't use a remote control, yet I earn a salary. What I do with my money is really no one's business.
CALL ME BACK!
If you have something to tell me, buy airtime or use a phone booth and get on with it. If you can't afford it, keep your problems to yourself. Same goes for those serial beepers.