Thursday, August 27, 2009


Lately, we have been dealing with a language so far removed from the adopted language of English that I think we ought to introduce the language police, if only for preservation of the language.

We used to have the language police at the school I went to, and I believe many people many people are familiar withit. Back then, it was a crime to use your mothertongue. One had to use the Queen's language.

Ugandans claim to speak English. It sounds like English, most of the time it is, but there are those irritating questions that grate on a person's nerves.


A person may know where you live and work, recite your phone number backwards, as well as know your e-mail address, but he/she never makes a point of getting in touch with you. Then one day, you go out of your way to pay a courtesy call, and then its them doing the complaining. People only attempt to stay in touch if they find something interesting  about your company. If you find yourself on the lonely road of no phone calls and visits, its probably because you have turned into a stiff bore.


You're joking, right? I work for over 15 hours a day, daily, just so that when I get my salary, I give it away - for free? Seriously? If you want to get money for free, take a baby, sit by the Kampala roadside and beg for it.


Eeeuw! That's not even funny anymore (Was it ever?)

Then there are those questions we all hate to hear:


People think its against the law to be 30yrs and single. If they would concentrate on bonding with their mothers-in-law and keeping their marriages together, they would realise that being single isn't exactly the worst thing in the world.


I would understand a husband on a clandestine mission desperate to ascertain his wife's position when he is with company and doesnt want to run into her, but seriously. Do people really call to ask this?


About what? We hardly ever have much to talk about anyway.


I hate that question because its a typucal catch - 22 situation. If you say yes, you are doomed. If you opt for No! You are immediately labelled a liar. Either way, you are  screwed.


Ever been in a situation where you desperately need shs.1000 ans someone slaps you with that question? Why does everyone make it their business to decide how my money is being invested?
Strangers are at pains to understand why I own a hi-fi that doesn't use a remote control, yet I earn a salary. What I do with my money is really no one's business.


If you have something to tell me, buy airtime or use a phone booth and get on with it. If you can't afford it, keep your problems to yourself. Same goes for those serial beepers.


Living alone. For me that means I don't do anyone's laundry or dishes. I don't worry when he is getting home. I don't worry about when Im getting home. No one eats my leftovers. I don't have to wait at the door when its time to go out while he searches for his keys. I don't have to consider the question, "Have you seen my phone" at absurdly short intervals. And I wear my softest and least sexy flannel gown to bed, watch tv till I fall asleep.

Which is a more natural state? Living alone or being with someone everyday? If I had the money, I would keep a place to retreat, a place not to be tangled up in someone else's consciousness, moods and daily emotional upkeep.

I would like that arrangement in part because it's a constant reminder that nothing is permanent. When people get used to a living situation, we get used to thinking that its always going to be that way.
Striking the same routine year-round allows us to wear those filters that prevent us from dwelling on all the things in life that don't happen, until they do.

Im supposed to be writing about how long distance relationships add excitement to a relationship. But as I watch him pack, all I could think about is neurosis. Because when I see my partner dump his entire sock drawer into the suitcase, I feel anxious and insecure. No matter what the facts may be, it certainly looks like someone is leaving me. So its a fraught scenario, watching him prepare to leave.
The 2 of us tend to be morose at this time, but we don't fight, we do that when we get back together. These fights occur on a larger canvas when a couple moves in together.

Most couples, though, tend to settle in for the long haul, choosing their battles and compromises as they go along, often with remarkable patience. this balancing act gets thrown out of whack when you're apart for a while and you get used to a certain amount of freedom. A partner tasting freedom speels fights. And they can be nasty.

After the fighting, there's the good part. The frisson created be absence, the thrill of sleeping with someone who is slightly unfamiliar (and not too unfamiliar). You get to reintroduceyourself. When you haven't seen someone for a while, you notice those things you wouldn't notice when you live with that person, or you feel them. The way tyou have dinner with a friend and she looks much more exhausted than she did the last time you saw her and you talk about what has happened between then and now. You see your spouse more clearly with a little distance. Being apart and then together is a reminder that time is passing, that you'd better take note of it. And that's always a good, if bittersweet thing. Suddenly the need to attend to another person's oddities don't seem as onerous as it did when you were alone.

All told, I have to say our arrangement works out well for us.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


1. Beware the itemized telephone bill, and the number most dialled on your phone.
2. Don't suddenly abandon knickers with questionable elastic for more stimulating smalls.
3. Don't hide your spermicide in your toothpaste tube. You are sure to forget and end up with fluoride in your fallopian tubes, not to mention tooth decay.
4. Take up an evening exercise class, something energetic which definitely involves showering.
5. Choose a hobby with no obvious end product. A year of African craft with no woven baskets at the end of it could be a bit of a give-away.
6. Best not leave your lover's semen-stained pouch (two sizes bigger than your partner's) in your swimming bag... because yes, the dog is sure to sniff it out and bound into the sitting room with it clenched between its teeth.
7. If this does happen, pretend you are a cross-dresser.
8. 'Slut','whore',- remember that these are words used to describe a woman who has the sexual appetites of a man.
9. When feeling cheap and nasty, remind yourself that without infidelity, literature and opera would be up shit creek.
10. Don't appear happier than usual. Nothing gives away an affair faster than frequent smiling for no ostensible reason.
11. Don't indulge in late night whispered conversations on the phone. Can be just abit embarrassing when you get caught saying "I need your hot rod, you wild sex king, you", when you said you were just off to phone your dad.
12. Cover your tracks with thoroughness. Nothing worse than driving along with your significant other and suddenly noticing your lover's upside-down footprints on the car window.
13. Be careful not to call out the wrong name during love-making. Recurrent coital amnesia has blown the whistle on many an illicit love affair.
14. Plan your liaisons with military precision and don't change your behavoiur in any way as this will lead to suspicion.
And, most important of all,
15. Don't be 5 hours late coming home with no alibi.
16. Never tell your girlfriends. Women can't keep secrets. A secret to them is something they tell everyone not to tell anyone.
17. Always lie.


It's commonly known that guys are wired differently from women. They speak the language of action and logic, while women are driven by their emotions and feelings, and this can cause all sorts of misunderstandings. But the more you understand where he is coming from, the easier it will be for you to talk to him... and save yourself some major migraines.

If you ask a woman what's up when she is silent and she mumbles back "nothing", she rarely means nothing. In fact, most of the time, it translates as "I'm mad at you, silly. Figure it out!" But while the language of females is layered and ambiguous, men just aren't that complicated. So when he answers "nothing" when you ask :Honey, what are you thinking about?" you can rst assured that he means that - Nothing. Not a thought blipping accross the brain. Or when you have a fight and later ask if he's really sure everything's ok after he has already said, "Yeah, I'm fine", there isn't some secret code that you need to decipher. He is over it. Guys like to put their card on the table, make their point, and move on. So stop trying to analyse his every response and just take them at face value.

And if trying to converse with a guy leaves you feeling more like you're conducting an interview than having a verbal volley, it doesn't mean he is less interested in you than you are in him. It's just another exampke of innate communication chasm between the sexes. Wome ask questions almost 3 times more than men do in conversations, but that's because women ask questions to encourage the other person to talk or to bond, where as men tend to make inquiries on a need-to-know basis. One reason men don't ask questions in intimate situations is because it might lead to an indepth dialogue about feelings - not exactly their favorite subject. But more than that, men are socialised to take action, not to sit around waste time talking. And if they did chat, they might fear they couldn't get a word in edgewise. So they keep their queries to a minimum to avoid being on the receiving end of a blab-athon.

One way to get him talking is to find a new way to talk to each other that breaks the familiar 'She asks, he answers' mold. Saying something like "I need to ask you something. I could really use your input" will not only pique his interest, it will make him feel important. Letting him think he is helping you and not just acting as your personal sounding board is a surefire tactic to get him talking. And make sure you take pauses, so he will feel comfortable offering his opinion.

In a scenario where a guy gets into trouble, he may try to morph into Chris Rock. They believe its a masculine rule to always be in control, hence using humour to diffuse a situation can be a great relief. The use of humour often helps.

As far as confrontation is concerned, men don't mind it, as long as its from other men. But going head-to-head with a woman is about as appealing as having a prostate exam. Men fear confrontation in a relationship. It makes them feel like they are losing power. They also know that when it comes to discussing an 'issue', you have the stamina of a marathon runner on steroids. That's why they try to exit an argument ASAP, while a woman will hash it out for hours.

So when dealing with a man, first plan your strategy, and make sure you talk to him when you're calm and collected, not emotional. Try to be very logical about it, and keep it short and sweet. If afterward he does a little victory dance and bumps your chest with his, please forgive him. That's how guys communicate happiness.

Monday, August 25, 2008


1. Thou shall not bad mouth his mother to anyone, not even to your best friends. Insulting his sister or his best friend, or his car is also a bad move.

2.Thou shall not write him a soul - baring note saying: "Once I met you, I knew I could put the pain and toxicity of the past behind me. Thank you for giving me back my innocence." Girl, you'll soon see how fast he can run.

3.--- Buy him tickets to his favourite sport and saying "At first, I thought you should take your frinds along, but then I decided I should go with you and find out why you're so obsessed with this game."

4.---Send him a teddy-gram wearing a T-shirt that says, 'I love you beary much,' at work. His colleagues will never let him live it down.

5.---Tidy his bedroom for him, making sure his favourite shirts are hung on coat hangers and those tatty old magazines he hoards are tossed out. You're not his mother and he probably has a good reason for leaving his clothes on the floor.

6.---Suggest that in order to get closer and explore trust issues, you should shave each other's legs. Relationship issues should never be explored with a blade. Plus, he will end up looking really silly.

7.---Restock his fridge with I-care-for-your-heart foods. For instance, replacing his beers and last night's left over beef and potatoed with a bowl of boiled cabbage, fresh carrot juice and brussel sprouts.

8.---Give him a book entitled "What women really want from their men". You will soon discover what men dont want from their women - books like this!

9.---Constantly ask him for airtime but never make an attempt to call him, or worse, beep him.

10.---Try to change a man, for example get him circumcised just because you would like it.

Friday, August 22, 2008


Many people wonder what happens to their wives after they get married. It is said that scientists have discovered a product that instantly diminishes a woman's sex-drive by over 90%. It's called wedding cake.

Many people would agree, so there is a little bit of truth to this joke. And it's not as if its only the women at fault. Many of them complain that their relationships with their husbands cool down very fast. Gone are the days of flirting, cuddling, playing. All he does is complain about his unfulfilled desires and all she does is complain about her unfulfilled emotions. In the end, there is alot of resentment and bitterness-no one is willing to make the first move to take care of the spouse's needs.

That about sums up the accusations between most couples. A man has to contend with having sex with his wife about five times on average a year. "A woman's heart is connected to her genitals while a man works from his genitals outwards," says a certain sexologist, Dr Marlene.

In addition, today's lifestyle makes more demands on women than ever before. They are constantly bust at home and at work. Either that or they are too tired. Some of them work so hard they hardly ever see their partner. The limited time couples do have for each other isn't quality time - because they are exhausted and stressed. And working women often complain men don't do their bit around the house. This doesn't necessarily mean non - working housewives have exciting marriages and sex lives. It is undermined by a sense of guilt about not working. Or they feel that their lives are boring as compared to their working counterparts. On top of that, they feel unappreciated, and tend to become depressed because there are very few challenges in their lives. Depression in turn impairs sex drive.

But women refuse to let it be a one - sided argument. They complain about their men's unkempt habits - smelly breth, foul body odour, smelling of sweat, hands unwashed after going to the toilet. Can you blame a woman for resisting the advances of her libido - killing smelly husband? And they get angry when the women want to talk about it, which means communication is also a problem.

Foreplay - or the lack of it - is another sore point. What happens to a man when they get married? No woman can positively respond to a quick rub here and a grab there. No siree.

Many men have the habit of blaming their wiives of being cold in the bedroom, claiming that it forces them to go to other women for it. The implied threst that "If you don't give it to me I will look for it elsewhere" will definitely leave her feeling cold towards him.

At the beginning of the relationship, men do the chasing with the aim of getting the woman to surrender. But when they get married, all that goes out the window. They stop doing the things they used to do during their courtship.

A man can also become sexually cold if he feels no one needs him. In a competitive or combative situation a man builds up testosterone, the hormone that makes him feel like a man. While he is out there doing a job and earning money for his family he feels he is in control. But if he feels he has no purpose in life, it saps his libido.

A woman's relationship with herself is important. If she is constantly nurturing others, she becomes drained. she needs time for herself.

A sexual lifestyle is not about having sex at the end of the day but about having an intimate connection with your partner throughout the day. If a man's technique is poor or he is not an attentive lover, she will say she is not in the mood and masturbate.

If your sex life is boring, role-play, try other positions, or better still, have enough time to engage in foreplay. Foreplay is more than just arousing your partner. Spend time with your partner, compliment her, joke and play around - generally have fun. Then she will come to bed when she is relaxed. To a woman, that's foreplay.

Emancipated women have higher expectations of marriage and demand the right to a satisfactory relationship. They could try doing things they used to do when they were still courting. Women should also feel free to take the initiative in bed. If your man finds it hard to talk about his preferences, pay attention to what pleases him and do it more often.

A love life that falls into a routine can be one of the biggest turn-offs. Plan romantic or erotic surprises for each other. People often get married with unrealistic expectations and are then disappointed. The real world isn't about candle lit dinners but about helping and appreciating each other. Love needs attention to grow and nurture.

Friday, August 1, 2008


My partner works with a female colleague, sometimes spending hours alone with her. This didn't worry me until I met her and she flirted with him infront of me.The other women in his office tell me she has already split up one couple by having an affair with the man. She has no boyfriend and no friends except the men in her department. My boyfriend says she is always asking them to do things for her and they love it. I feel she is playing games, but he can't see a problem.

A friend of mine, Liz has a slightly different problem at work. Her superior, a creative director at work keeps making corny comments. Recently at work, he told her, "Your work just isn't giving me the hard-on im used to", and that was just the tip of the iceberg. But after a few weeks of sexually loaded comments and suggestions, Liz complained to the Managing Director. He dismissed her concerns, saying the creative director was 'incorrigible but very valuable to the company. He suggested that Liz 'lighten up' and focus on the important things if she wanted to make a go of her career in the industry.

Bella, a mother with 2 little boys, and wife says she hardly ever sees her husband because his boss (a female) makes him work longer hours. He and two othe rworkmates. Of course, they are paid extra for the time they put in. When something urgent comes up, even on a holiday or weekend, lady boss calls him up 'to go see to the clients needs'. Bella hates it all, but she says she can't do anything about it because its his job that puts food on the table and clothes on their backs.

So what do you do when your professional life or that of your partner begins to affect your private life?

I have decided that my partner's female colleague has a personality that gets up people's noses and Im not going to try to waste time worrying about possibilities beyond my control. Furthermore, expressing sexual jealousy has a horrible way of putting the idea of infidelity into the innocent mind.

For Liz, life at work became unbearable. Aside from openly joking about her prudishness, her harasser made it quite plain that she wasn't going to cut it.
Her designs were pulled apart and, by way of crude jokes, her ideas were ridiculed. The fact that she had spoken to the MD elicited below the belt retorts from several male colleagues about her lack of humour and sense of fun.

While this scenario may leave some in no doubt that Liz was sexually hasassed, others may believe she should have treated the advances as a joke and pandered to the 'sense of mischief' that all boys have. At least, that way, her life would have been easier and her career more successful.

A complimentary factor that works in a sex pests favour is the fact that, as Liz's story highlights, it's near impossible to draw a clear distinction between behaviour that is sexual harrassment and behaviour that is not. Inappropriateness is in the eye of the beholder.

Bella's problem is a little bit more sophisticated. Short of threatening her husband's boss, she can only try to be more understanding and accomodating of him and his job. Lady boss may not understand that he has other obligations to his wife and kids, so its up to the husband to try to balance the two. Tough, huh?