A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO HAVING AN AFFAIR (FOR WOMEN ONLY)

1. Beware the itemized telephone bill, and the number most dialled on your phone.
2. Don't suddenly abandon knickers with questionable elastic for more stimulating smalls.
3. Don't hide your spermicide in your toothpaste tube. You are sure to forget and end up with fluoride in your fallopian tubes, not to mention tooth decay.
4. Take up an evening exercise class, something energetic which definitely involves showering.
5. Choose a hobby with no obvious end product. A year of African craft with no woven baskets at the end of it could be a bit of a give-away.
6. Best not leave your lover's semen-stained pouch (two sizes bigger than your partner's) in your swimming bag... because yes, the dog is sure to sniff it out and bound into the sitting room with it clenched between its teeth.
7. If this does happen, pretend you are a cross-dresser.
8. 'Slut','whore',- remember that these are words used to describe a woman who has the sexual appetites of a man.
9. When feeling cheap and nasty, remind yourself that without infidelity, literature and opera would be up shit creek.
10. Don't appear happier than usual. Nothing gives away an affair faster than frequent smiling for no ostensible reason.
11. Don't indulge in late night whispered conversations on the phone. Can be just abit embarrassing when you get caught saying "I need your hot rod, you wild sex king, you", when you said you were just off to phone your dad.
12. Cover your tracks with thoroughness. Nothing worse than driving along with your significant other and suddenly noticing your lover's upside-down footprints on the car window.
13. Be careful not to call out the wrong name during love-making. Recurrent coital amnesia has blown the whistle on many an illicit love affair.
14. Plan your liaisons with military precision and don't change your behavoiur in any way as this will lead to suspicion.
And, most important of all,
15. Don't be 5 hours late coming home with no alibi.
16. Never tell your girlfriends. Women can't keep secrets. A secret to them is something they tell everyone not to tell anyone.
17. Always lie.